My Blog

Alright, I'm Ready

Deep breath.  I've spent a lot of time alone this week, thinking.  If any of you don't know, I'm currently extending my studies to do a second major in Marketing.  Am I not ready to return to KL? For sure.  Will I ever be ready to settle there? Probably not.  You see, unlike my mother, I don't feel like I have to die in the place where I was born.  I think, in a way, it has something to do with the different ways we grew up.  My mother moved around a lot growing up, but she grew up with stronger roots, having a constant father figure who loved his Muar, and that somehow went down the line to my mother. 

Me? I grew up between three houses in the same district, but I did not have the strong roots that my mother had.  While I have a strong Malay identity, I'm not even very patriotic towards Malaysia. As far as I can remember, I have wanted to get out of Malaysia, simply because I think there's a lot of the world to see, so it's no surprise that I fell in love with tourism.  Also, I spent my whole life feeling unsettled and decided at 16 that by hook or by crook, I had to get out! However, I must note that I have yet to make enough cash that will allow me to travel as much as I want to.  Australia isn't far enough.

I must also say though, that yes, I do realise that I am getting old, and some things that scared the living daylights out of me in the last year are growing on me.  My aunts can't be all wrong, but there's one thing they must realise by now: I can't make a man fall in love with me! It's not a choice for me to make! And also another matter: If settling down didn't mean settling in one place, I would have done it ages ago.  You get older, you learn your lesson.  I know now why the last two relationships did not work out.  Both of them would have been happy staying in Malaysia their whole lives and only leaving for short periods to visit other places.  I would not have been happy living like that.  As I told one of my exes, I can be faithful to a man my whole life, but staying in one place my whole life is another matter altogether.  By the way, I didn't dump him, we just wanted different things.

Maybe, I'm more like my grandmother than I think I am.  She was really close to her relatives, and continued to be close to them all her life, but she did leave them, and her home (Johor) when she married my grandfather.  As he was a district officer, she moved with him, from state to state.  Yes, I'm talking global when she moved around Malaysia, but at the time, with communications being pretty bad and transportation not as good as now, it would have been a big move away.  Somehow, I get it.  She grew up without a father too.  Like me, she had many uncles who took on the role of a father, but you know, it's never the same.  You're always the outsider.  So, when she married my grandfather, he became her home, and wherever he was, was where she made a home. 

When my grandfather passed on, my grandmother made a home close to where her children were.  She moved again, from Muar to KL this time, and that's where she spent the last of her days.  But she had a full life.  They traveled, my grandparents, and they saw more then without globalisation, than I've seen now with it.  Would I leave my kids for months to go on trips? Yes. My grandparents went around the world, by ship, when my mother was about 9 years old, and they turned out alright.  If anything, having parents absent from their lives a bit make kids stronger.

To tell you the truth, I'm not that ambitious.  I don't have a clear direction of where I want to work.  I think probably because the things most important to you would be the thing you didn't have growing up.  For me, that was the stability of a family that I could really call my own.  Yeah, after all, it would be nice to have a stable relationship to provide at least one area of stability in my life, and to give me some direction, but the point still stands: I would settle down if it didn't mean settling in one place.  The blood of the woman from the Turkish harem is pretty strong in me, I guess.  Home for me is not the place where I was born, and it might not even be a place.  In fact, I think, home for me will most likely be a person, and the other people this person and I end up sharing.  Only time will tell.  At least I'm coming to terms with the fact that it's about time. 

Atonement

What I will write has nothing to do with the title, it's just that I saw the movie and it got me thinking, mostly about love.  Love is a gift from God.  In life, you will think that you're in love a few times and most of the time, you're going to think that it's the one.  However, you can never be sure.  My theory about that is that, there will be some people who love you and you won't love back, and there will be people you love who won't love you back.  It's when you meet someone who loves you equally that it's the one, and the chances of this are so slim, that you should always take the chance when it comes knocking.

We are all so focused on our careers, on doing this and that, on having things, that when we fall in love, we tend to put it aside and focus on other things first.  Maybe it's fear that keeps us this way.  We're just afraid that the person we love doesn't feel the same as we do.  In old movies, we see people falling in love, then being parted by war and coming back together in the end, but you will notice that when this happens, it's usually the first love and when you're in love for the first time, everything seems like it's just going to be perfect.  After the first heartbreak, the belief falters and logic and reason steps in. 

There is no logic to love.  There is no reason.  It just happens when you least expect it to happen, and when you complicate it with thoughts of what can go wrong, you're just setting up boundaries for yourself.  If you notice, this usually happens earlier on in the relationship. Why?  Because like me, you are afraid.  You're afraid that if you love someone too much, the person will pick up and leave, and you'll be heartbroken - again.  Pain though, has it's own beauty.  It reminds you that you loved once, and that you're still capable of feeling.  Tears are not a sign of weakness, it's just a sign to remind you that you're strong enough to let your emotions take over.

I'm so guilty of letting logic and reason take over my emotions when I start to fall in love.  I've learned the art of holding my emotions and affections in, and you might think it keeps me safe, but the truth is, the only thing I feel by doing that is a deep sense of regret.  The touches I held back, the kisses I stopped myself from sharing, the words I never said, have now all turned into regrets.  We live our lives in moments, and there are some moments when life brings to us this gift of love.  To me, that is the greatest gift of all. 

You can have a career wherever you go.  You can have a house, a car, a pet, only if you would work hard enough.  But love, you can't find it.  It has to find you, so when it does, I hope you don't close the door and shut love out with excuses.  Welcome it as you would a guest you've waited for all your life. 

Underneath the Insanity

With everything going everywhere in the last two weeks, I feel I need to take a bit of time to breathe.  Work, school, weekends, and through it all, I can feel myself getting old.  I realize that in the past year, I've put too much into material things, and a lifestyle, which to be honest, is totally unhealthy.  At some point, all the caffeine, alcohol, and nicotine is going to take it's toll.

Talking to a friend a few nights back, I've come to realize that although we might not look our ages, it's true what she said, I am starting to feel my age.  Too much alcohol affects me now like it did not when I was younger.  My body is tired and so is my heart, but maybe, I'm in denial.  I'm running around hither, tither and yon, trying not to think of the things that I'm feeling.  I let the crazy side of me take over because the other side of me is confused, and I don't want to deal with it just yet. 

I am getting old.  I need a new set of priorities.  My family has been trying to drum these thoughts into my head for the past year, and I guess they are right.  Life is not all thoughts and material desires.  As humans, we need to feed our emotions too, and if we fail to do that, no matter where we go, or what we have, we will always feel that certain emptiness.  We always think that we should be logical and practical, but there is no logic to the things we feel, and sometimes, it helps to ignore logic and just go with whatever it is your gutt tells you to do. 

Life is made out of moments.  Just think about it.  When you're sitting alone and contemplating things, you won't remember everything that you've been through.  You remember the outstanding moments.  Moments of joy, of sadness, of achievement... and sometimes, it only takes a moment to realize that something is right. 

In the past few nights, among the deepest conversations I've had have been marijuana induced, but when you're in a state of honesty, sometimes things just make sense, especially things to do with emotions.  You might have a set of criteria for some things, but life, especially love, is not like that.  Sometimes, you just know if it's right, or if it's wrong.  As for my family telling me that I should settle down, all I have to say is that, when the right time comes, the right guy will come, and it might be someone I've known for 10 years or 2 weeks, but if it's right, it's right and Inshallah, things will go where they should.

Touched By Angels

I go through life everyday waiting for something big to happen.  Waiting for a miracle, a big event, something that will make my life finally mean something, but while I was looking for all that, I've come to realise that I never did have to look very far after all.  Maybe life isn't full of big miracles and significant moments that change everything.  Maybe the miracle of life lies in the small miracles that you see everyday.

You might wait and want to fall in love.  For that big bang that blows you away and makes you fly, but that kind of love is such that the higher you fly, the harder you crash in the end.  I've come to think that the love I was looking for was always the wrong kind of love.  An explosion instead of a slow burning flame that grows with time, and so, I'm not looking or waiting anymore.  Whatever is coming will have to wait for me now because I'm simply not ready and I'm not going to rush opening my emotions and thoughts to a guy.  I guess it's a matter of perception, but I find opening up physically is much less of a threat than opening up emotionally or mentally, but the physical is not an end in itself.  Instead, it's just part of a journey and I don't want to reach a state where I can settle for just the physical.

Life is full of little miracles and little blessings.  Yesterday, I was online with Pek Yen and now she and a few of my school friends are planning to visit my mother.  This proves to me that life is full of miracles and blessings, and that love is more than what's publicized in the media.  Nobody talks about the love of friends, and here, I have proof that it's the strongest, most enduring love.  I've known all these girls for more than 10 years, and we've parted lived apart for some time now.  Turkey, the UK, Australia, all over... and yet, in all my hard times, they have rallied around me, and just been there, no questions asked.  I would do the same for them any day of the week. 

Raya here would have been a lonely time, but as always, there was a miracle.  Young Faiz had his sister over for a visit and the last night of Ramadhan was spent with them and M.  Raya day itself was celebrated in Malaysia Hall, at the beach and a dinner at my place... just Maggi mee, but it was the company that mattered.  It just proves that every time God closes a door, he opens a window. 

So yes, while I'm not completely over the last guy yet, life hasn't been so bad.  The thing is, I've learned that I don't need a man to have a full life.  Malay society would say that a woman is incomplete unless she is a part of a man, and so a lot of women are defined by their men.  What I've learned is that I have a more complete life without a man.  Granted, there are some things that you can only get in a committed relationship, but there are other things in life that can make you happy.  A morning walk with Jenna, an online chat with Pek Yen, news of friends getting engaged/married/pregnant... these things just lift your spirits and make you smile.

And it's not just friends who fate has brought into my life.  I am lucky to be born into a family where my cousins are also my friends.  We don't just spend time together because we're expected to, but because we truly want to.  I can't believe how much these people love me sometimes, and I just hope that I deserve it.  My mom, aunts and uncles who have accepted me in my many facets of life and mood swings.  I swear, sometimes I must really test their patience!

No matter how much I've cried and how much I've tried, I realise now that I have been blessed.  I am luckier than most and I have been touched by angels, every time I talk to you, my friends.  Friends from school, friends from undergrad, friends from work, and the friends I've made here... You have all touched me in a certain way and I'm thankful to be a part of your lives. 

Kavi, Jo, Pek Yen, Shang, Natasha, Karen, Dee, Sugan, Purnisha, Juliana... and all you others who I might not be able to mention.  It's been a great blessing to have you all in my life and thanks for just being there for me every single time I've needed you.   Thanks also for tolerating and accepting me in my multiple personalities... I know it drives you guys crazy sometimes!!!! I am so lucky I can't believe it sometimes!!!!!

Milla, Zira, Zira, Aina, Eyda... all of you, thanks a bunch for always being there, and being absolutely logical it ain't funny! Hope you guys had a great Raya celebration, especially the newly weds who were celebrating their first Raya with husbands.

Aussie buds, Jenna, Michelle, Corey, Sarah, Nina, Nadine, Andrea, Melvin, Angelo + Cathrine, Rodolfo, Faiz... all of you guys.  We're away from family, but it seems that we've created a little family here.  I was blessed to find you all in this place and I'm gonna love you all for a long time to come even when we're not together anymore.

Finally, my love, my heart, my cousins... Sarah, Jian, Tin, Beel, Faye, Fawwaz, Farah, Faiq, Rozy, Mazrul, Rizal, Kak Na, Wayne, Ikki, Marissa... well, all of you really.  Listing everyone down would take a whole phone book! I'm so bloody lucky and blessed to be born into this family and damn, I wouldn't trade any of the craziness off for anything in the world.  You guys really are the best!!!! Some people hate how proud I am of my family, but I have no reason not to be. 

Special person I have to mention, my mother! For her courage, her strength and being level headed in all matters.  I know some Malay men are gonna make nasty comments because my mother is a single parent, but to me, that is why I am all the more proud of her.  It's not easy bringing up a child alone, putting her through school, undergrad, post-grad and all the while having to deal with 6 different personalities coming out of one person.  It's not easy watching your daughter cry every time a man has broken her heart and not having a partner to discuss it with.  It's not easy facing the fact that there are men out there who will take your daughter for a ride just because she has not the "protection" that a father or brother figure can provide, but my mom did it all and I love her for it!  Just pray someday, I'll have that kind of strength. 

Thanks to all the angels who have touched my life. I never had to look for miracles because you are my miracles, and I can live in darkness because I know that your light will always find me.  When I'm alone, I'm never lonely because you have always been with me.  Now I see.  Now I know... and I hope that I remember this every day of my life!

Trying

I'm trying to write something now, but my head is so full of stuff that I can't get it all out.  It's 10 days till the end of Ramadhan and although I'll be happy to be able to get a glass of water in this 33 degree heat, I am quite sad that Ramadhan is ending.  This is the month when I miss my family and friends more than ever, and this is the month when everyone makes an effort to have at least one evening together to break fast and talk, and get together.  I suppose, we did have a good break fast session at my place last week, but I still miss the people in KL.

That's life, I guess and I'm a pretty sentimental person.  Of course, you make new friends wherever you go, but the old ones, the ones who have been with you through thick and thin, you will always miss.  I miss the days of Shawal when I had a whole bunch of my non-Muslim friends in my house.  They would spend the last day of Ramadhan with my mom and I, and we'd make a family of girls.  We're all women now, but I know that my mom still thinks of all of these girls as her own daughters.  Kavita, Shang, Joanna, Pek Yen, Karen, Suganthi, Natasha, Dee... my mom loves you all still.  We've been friends forever and I know that every time one of you gets married, my mom gains a new son-in-law, and every time one of you gets a child, my mom gains a grand-child.  Of course, she hasn't met Shailan yet, and she's probably really excited to meet him too.  I miss those days when you guys were at my place and we'd prepare for Shawal.  Truth be told, those were among the best times of my life!

Last year, this year, I won't be celebrating Shawal.  It will just be a day when I won't be fasting anymore, but that is fine with me.  To me, Ramadhan has always been a month of great meaning and a month of great peace.  I had two years of very difficult Ramadhans where the only things I had to hold on to were my prayers, and of course, there are always men in the picture when I have difficult times, but I guess that is my fault.  I fall too fast and I fall too hard, but hopefully, I am learning to be more thoughtful.  When I had my palm read, I was told that I think with my mind and not my head.  I'm still trying to fill that prophecy. 

Life is a journey and being me, I have always chosen the more unconventional route.  I've taken the long way round to everything, and I guess that is why at 27, I'm still trying to find my way.  Like others, I make mistakes, but somehow, I don't regret all of them and I really hope that I've learned from them.  However, no matter how many mistakes I make, I still want to believe that people are good.  Someone called me a child because I thought he was a good person even when he was playing me, but if being trusting makes me a child, then I don't really want to grow up. 

What is there to believe in when you can't believe in people anymore? I would rather believe that people make bad judgements and that one day, they will come to their senses.  Am I naive for believing that?  Truth be told, how can someone live with themselves when they know that they've hurt another person?  The most basic things that make us more than animals is that we have a conscience.  We know right from wrong, and in the spur of the moment, we might do wrong, but later on, we will see our mistakes and strive to get it right.  I make mistakes.  Everyday. But I find the mistakes that keep me up at night are the ones where I have hurt someone else. 

Life is full of ups and downs, and I'm a strong believer in karma.  Those of you Muslims who think this is an un-Muslim idea can go back to the Muslim context of it, Qadha' and Qadr.  What goes around comes around, I suppose.  Bad days might mean good days later on, even though you're still waiting.  A time of turbulence might mean that peace is coming soon.  Just look in the context of love.  If you're madly in love, that's the love that will hurt you most.  A great high can lead to a great low.  Someone who makes you extremely happy has the power to hurt you extremely deeply.  What am I looking for now?  Something else.

I'm living my life on a day-to-day basis, hoping that the days will lead to something more.  I'm not making long term plans, but I'm planning for tomorrow.  I've let go of all hope and I want to submit, not completely, but in things that I know I can't control.  Studies, work... those are what you make out of them, but relationships depend on something beyond your control.  That is what I want to learn.  To let go and not hope too much, but to be able to just live it.  I'm a self-confessed control freak and I really need to break that control.  Hopefully, by the end of Ramadhan, I would have learned to do that. 

The Little Things In Life

In life, sometimes, it's the simplest things that bring you joy.  Sometimes, it's better to just stop looking for big things and enjoy these little things that make you smile when you think about them.  I've become one of the people who takes my camera around wherever I go so that I have the pictures and little keepsakes to remind me of the good things. Having happy moments is not so complicated after all, and sometimes, when times get bad, it's the little happy moments that you think about.

It's not a great love that usually makes you happy, because when you love someone greatly, you also give them the power to hurt you greatly, but there is always a risk when you decide to care about people.  Yet, even though I know that my friends and I have to  part ways sometime, I don't stop myself from caring.  I get pleasure in simple things.  Having friends over for dinner or drinks makes me happy.  I like playing the little housewife sometimes, and I like the times when I can cook for someone else's pleasure.

Hearing from a long lost friend is a joy to me.  They disappear from you life sometimes, then by some twist of fate, you find them again and you remember that they were part of what was good in your life.  Receently, I found two of my good friends who were in Primary School with me and it was a good feeling.  Jaclyn and I have been friends since we were 7 and it's great to see how far both of us have gone in life.  I know that recently she was in the UK and maybe, if things go well, she'll visit me someday.  A message from my ex-classmate Nisha made me smile for days on end and I though I haven't seen her for almost 10 years, I remember the essence of her and how I loved to hug her when we were in school.  I remember going to her sister's wedding and enjoying it so much. 

Old friends, new friends, friends to come, it's what makes life worth living.  Michelle and Corey are two new friends who are completely crazy and being with them always makes me slightly crazy too, but I enjoy it.  Jenna has become someone I talk to all the time and she is someone I can share the weirdest things with.  Last week, Sarah went through (another) breakup and although it was by no means a good day, I got some joy in having her over at my place and being able to have a nice girly chat with her, and I do believe that soon, she'll get into another relationship.  Hopefully, this time it won't be with another person who's 8 years younger.

Some people just surprise you sometimes.  One of my friends have been MIA for some time because he'd just gotten into a new relationship, but lately, I've been spending some time with his girlfriend, and I do really like her.  I like them together, especially since I was a sounding wall for him when he was planning on getting together with her.  Then, last week, out of nowhere, he called me and we were talking, and he asked me, "do you feel chucked?"  That let me know that he would be my friend for a long long time to come.  Plus, we still take some time to talk about what's going on in each other's lives so it's all good.

My cousins sometimes drive me crazy but they also bring me great joy.  We've never become distant even though we are far apart, and it proves that physical distance doesn't mean an emotional distance.  I love them today as much as I loved them before, and I think, in a way, I'm lucky because not only are my cousins related to me by blood, but growing up in our family, for generations, it's been normal for cousins to be good friends and it stays that way.  Technology helps too.  I've seen my mom getting online with my aunt in UK for a video conference that goes on for hours, and I see how happy it makes them both to be able to talk to each other.  Someday hopefully, I will be able to take my mom to visit her cousin in UK because I know that they grew up together and that they do miss each other.

During busy and tiring times, all I can do is stop looking for big things and enjoy the little things.  Even bitching sessions are good sometimes since it lets the anger out.  Sometimes when you're so low you think the ground is over your head, something as simple as walking along the beach with the wind hitting you hard is something to look forward to, and I do.  Meeting my group of friends at the Quad cafe before class and just listening to the talk going around is something I look forward to.  I look forward to these times and the little things that lighten up a dreary day. 

Heating Up

There's so much to be said about life isn't there?  One minute you know exactly where you're headed and the next you're just lost.  I'm in both places at once.  If you've looked at my pictures, you'll know that I party like a mad demon when I get in the groove, but what you don't know is that I spend a whole week recovering.  Last weekend was no exception.  I found drink after drink in my hand and by the time I got home, I was so pissed I couldn't even be nice to my best bud when he sent me a text.  Needless to say, he probably knew I was pissed and he was probably pissed as well.  That's why we're mates man!

Other than that, my life is all books, assignments, studying and everything that comes with it.  I need the weekend to unwind.  The nasty pictures that everyone has is more something to get a good laugh out of than anything else.  I'm not really that much of a slut, but I am quite the camera whore.  I still love dancing when I'm drunk and I'm drunk most weekends, but my life is all about me now.  Oh yes, I am the main, the ONLY focus of my life.  Honestly though, I quite like not being in a relationship at the moment. 

Yes, after five years of having someone constantly fill the room in your heart, it does feel empty sometimes, but the heart is a muscle too.  Like a tired body needs rest, so does a tired heart, and mine is exhausted.  I meet some of the most attractive and gorgeous men here, but there's none of the butterflies of flip-flop bellies anymore.  They're nice looking, but it's all there is.  Me emotions are disconnected somehow.  If you make out with a cute guy in a club, it's only because he's cute.  Doesn't matter if he has a brain or anything else because it's just a one time thing. 

Some people don't understand why I'm single and don't want to be in a relationship.  It's fairly simple.  I fall for guys who I think have drive, determination and ambition, but when I get into a relationship with them, I usually learn that it's all talk.  They don't even have the determination to keep me.  It's tiring. They think I'm going to be a good and obedient housewife.  They think I'm going to take all the crap from them and be all good forgiving all the time, but that's only because they don't check the facts of my life before making these conclusions.  It doesn't take much to see what kind of person I am.  Easy question, am I talking to my dad now?  No right?  It doesn't a rocket scientist to know what that means. 

Sometimes, I think I want to fall in love, but the longer I live alone, the more I don't want it.  For 4 years, I devoted my life to a man, and honestly, he didn't appreciate me much until I began to shut down and not care if he lived or died, but by the time he noticed, I was too far gone.  I put him before my career and everything else, but there were times I felt that no matter how much I gave, he wanted more.  Excuse being that he left his family to be with me.  Such a child.  Sometimes, I do wonder if my exes had made up for their mistakes ASAP instead of putting it off for later, would I still be with them?  Maybe, but that's a closed chapter.  As I always say, there's no use trying to revive a corpse.  I hope they've learned as well. 

Call me a selfish bitch.  I know a lot of people did at one time and a lot of people think that I'm cold.  It's true.  I am selfish and I am cold hearted.  Why the engagement broke off?  Why the last relationship didn't last when we seemed perfect for each other?  Everyone has been making their own conclusions and nobody asked me about it, but I probably wouldn't tell anyway.  I'm beyond the point in life when I care about what people's opinions of me are.  Only I know what really happened and I don't regret my choices.  My friends still know me and they know the truth, so that's all that matters.  This time, I hope I do it right.  Focus on my career and my life before thinking of sharing it with anyone else. 

What if I end up never getting into a relationship again?  I don't know, but right at this moment in my life, it's something I simply don't want.  Am I scarred by my past experiences?  Maybe so.  Why my mom never remarried?  Now I understand and I don't put it against her.  All I know is that right now, at the thought of commitments and relationships, my heart just hardens, I shake and I break out into a cold sweat.  The reactions are so violent that I won't even try.  No, this is my time for me, only me and I save my love for friends and family. 

Another One Bites the Dust!

Judging by the title you might think that I'm going to write about something really nasty, but I'm not.  Actually, this is my way of congratulating my friend Norazirawati Ismail on her marriage, today.  After being together forever, they're finally tying the knot, and although I'm not there in person, I am there in spirit.  I know more than anyone that they're relationship has been trying at times but kudos to them for being able to hold on.  Zira tells me that I am strong for being able to walk away, but to me, she is the strong one for being able to hold on even when times get hard.

I'm a coward.  The thought of being tied down scares me beyond reason, but I'd also like to offer my congratulations to Eyda if her good news is what I think it is.  Kudos to her too for being able to hold on during the hardest times.  She's a real woman now, having gone through a lot of stages women have to go through to reach maturity and I'm proud of her, and of Zira. 

In life, we will fall in love at least once.  Sometimes, what we think is the greatest love of our lives simply isn't, but these two women have made it work.  I fly around left, right and centre trying to have a life, but what I never say is how much I admire their patience and perseverance.  I couldn't do that.  Not yet.  Before anything else, I need to gather my wits and get into the flow of my life as me.  These ladies didn't lose their identities when they got into relationships as I did and so, they've been able to keep their own lives while keeping their love. 

I can't say what works and what doesn't.  So far, nothing has worked for me, but sure as heaven is out there, I am a commitment phobic.  If I wasn't, I would have never gone out with a man who's 4 years my junior.  I would have gone out with someone who was around my age and ready to commit.  We each take steps at our own time and I can't follow in their footsteps.  I find the thought of motherhood daunting.  Someone told me that it wouldn't be right between me and a pure Malay man because I am who I am, but then, I've never been interested in white men.  I do find the Pacific Islanders here extremely sexy, but the abundance of tattoos puts them out of my league. 

In fact, I did almost start dating a white boy, but he had Catholic inspired tattoos, and we did have a discussion about everything.  We decided that we shouldn't even start to avoid future heartbreak.  Yes, we could just date for fun now, but what if we really truly fell in love?  See? Those are things I think about, but maybe I just think about those things to look for excuses and ways out of getting into anything.  Either way, I'm proud of the friends I have who have made the leap that I couldn't make.  Do you think I'm tough and brave to be living my own life in a foreign country?  The truth is, you're tougher and braver because you have opened your life and decided to share it with another person.  The most difficult thing ever is to get into a partnership with another person, not for a day or a month, but for life.... and the journey continues when you share your life with other little people who will depend on you. 

Congratulations girls! I love you and I'm here for you always.  You have become women while I am still a girl.

The Love of A Friend

I don't get it when people say that a straight man and a straight woman can't have a completely platonic relationship.   I've had many and they've lasted longer than all my relationships, most of them I met when I was in uni.  Yes, during the dangerous years when everything in pants is attractive...lol, but it's worked out well, and I love these dudes.  Love ok.  Not IN love.  Besides, nobody with any sense would sleep with EVERY guy they know.  I think about them sometimes, chat with them online and call too, and I know all the nasty dirt.  They know my nasty dirt as well, and it won't take much prompting for them to spill it. 

I've got Josh who I can gossip with about anything and everything.  Nally who usually knows more than I do, but will only tell me after I push and nudge him till he breaks.  Reza, who was a master player and flirted with everything in a skirt.  It's a relief for me that he's cleaned up his act.  I was worried it would never happen at one point.  Unlike everyone else though, Nally is prone to public displays of affection.  He hugs us girls whenever he feels like it, and nearly gave my cleaning lady a heart attack at one time. The thing is, they've taken to my exes pretty well, with the exception of Josh who HATED my ex fiancee because the idiot was stupid enough to not allow me to contact Josh.  I let it go, but it was stewing inside me for years!

Hahaha... but with all of the other guys, the friendship can't get as sickening (to the public) as my friendship with Angah.  All the declarations of loving and missing each other.  Hugging in the middle of the street.  Boob fondling.  It could make anyone spew blood if only he was straight.  Yet, nobody can know but me.  He was more a boyfriend to me than any of my previous boyfriends.  He'd pick me up from home.  Take me for long drives.  Hold my hand and keep me away from oncoming traffic when we crossed the street.  Hug me when I was crying.  Make silly jokes when I was depressed and most of all, I think we share a sick dark sense of humour.  We laugh about everything, to the point of making a joke about dancing over each other's graves and having a party instead of a funeral should one of us die. 

Through this, I think most of us make a common mistake when we do get into a relationship.  We stop getting to know each other.  We stop becoming friends.  Sometimes, we just become strangers who share the same bed. Then something exciting comes along, and you look at what you have, then you decide to go for the new thing.  Meanwhile, there's someone out there who wishes they had the one you have.  Attraction does die with time, but I think being friends keeps the relationship going.  You might be from completely different worlds, but if you continue communicating, after a while you understand each other's worlds.  For instance, a psychologist and a mechanic.  It's not impossible.  If you keep talking to each other, you'd know the other's thing and be able to ask informed questions about it. 

Sex does that too, but if you sleep with someone, you THINK you know them because you have that physical thing going and well, to be blatantly direct, you've been joined in a way that's extremely intimate.  Sometimes, it's just that fear of getting to know someone better after the intimacy.  Humans are strange.  They want intimacy, but when it gets too intimate, they tend to pull away.  No matter how old you are, there's always that fear.  If you let it, it can kill a friendship, but in the end, it's how you go about it.  The thing to consider is if you'd let sex be the end of a great friendship or a part of the journey to getting to know someone else. 

I'm one to talk.  I love a lot of people.  I've found it relatively easy to tell my friends that I love them, and sometimes gone to the point of having cutesy nicnames for my friends, but I've always found it excruciatingly difficult to tell my partners how much I love them or call them lovey-dovey nicnames.  I think this is a problem I really have to work on, this extreme lack of affection.  If I was a Desperate Housewife, I'd probably be Bree! Maybe I've been doing it all wrong.  I've acted on extreme attraction and when I think about it, if any of my exes had not been my boyfriends, they wouldn't even be my friends.  Infatuation is good, but I think, this whole new thing of not dating and hanging out instead is a good way to go since it will give me a chance to get to really know a guy in a completely relaxed way before jumping into anything I might regret. 

At 27, I've finally decided that the butterflies and thumping heartbeats can go.  I have to work on friendships more than romance, because when romances end, the friendship is what goes the distance.  Sometimes, there are friends you get attracted to, and you might act on the attraction, but I think, I should work on getting to know someone and not getting too caught up in the physical attraction.  Not saying that I should just completely stop acting on the physical attraction... what's done is done.  If it's good, you do it again, but that's not a reason I should stop getting to know the guy.  He is a person after all, not just a body, but getting to know each other takes two and I can only do that if he's in on it as well.

The Ending On The Horizon

Uni has started again, and I'm finding it hard to believe that it's going to be my last semester (hopefully).  This time next year, everything's going to be different again.  So many changes, maybe another move, but even if I stay, there will be a major change in my life.  There's no more getting drunk on week nights, no more staying up all night and sleeping all day, no more meeting friends for coffee in the middle of the afternoon and also, this online thing, it has to end.

I do realise that soon, I'm going to be too old to constantly be updating my online accounts.  My Space might have to go, or rather it might take a back seat.  There's going to be other responsibilities. I might still be sitting in front of the computer, but it won't be to relax.  Instead, it will be to tax my brain even more.  My MSN and YM I'm not too worried about because as it is, I only get on there to catch up with friends and family.  Since I've never used my online accounts as a flirting portal, that won't matter.  I've never been much of a flirt anyway. 

As a proper job looms on the horizon, I do realise that my party personalities, both of whom I don't like much anyway, are going to be taking long breaks.  Gina's not going to be whoring all over dance floors at all hours and talking empty nonsense with people online.  In fact, I might not even be able to see most of the people I talk to online very often anymore.  How horrible is that? For one thing, most of my uni buddies in Facebook might go back to their home countries, which would be terrible, since currently, we communicate on Facebook, MSN, telephone and meet almost everyday!  It's going to be terrible how much I'm going to miss them. 

With 6 months to go, I still don't have a plan.  I don't know why.  I think it's because since high school, I've constantly had a plan of where I wanted to go and I've been working towards it all this time.  At 22 I had plans to get married to my ex boyfriend, but of course, that didn't work out.  Now, I'm just drifting and waiting to see what happens next. 

I know some people worry about how much I currently party and drink.  Relax.  You know in a race, it's the end when you give it that final sprint.  Well, that's what I'm doing now.  Soon everyone's going to be all over the globe and all the updates I might ever get might be through email or something like that.

Soon, not only will I have to give up this current hippie lifestyle of mine, I actually will have to start planning my days, weeks, months, years. Holidays will need careful thought.  No more just switching on the computer, checking my savings and deciding to fly to Borneo on a whim. The piercings will have to go.  Even half of the hair I've kept for a year will have to go.  Out will come the severe black clothes and 3" pointy heels.  No more "Gia".  I'll be Ms. Azra again... because I'll be damned if I use my surname.  Goodness!!!! In fact, I might have another surname!!!!

Right now, I'm thinking that I will have to put roots down SOMEWHERE! People are starting to have long talks to me about "settling down".  Yes, I want a family.  I want kids, but it's something I don't dare put too much hope upon.  Work, a job, it's something you can work on, but something like a family takes another person to work, so that's open for now. 

Yet, as the end seems so close, I will treasure the next few months and try to connect as much as I can with my friends.  It doesn't matter that it will hurt and I will miss them when we part company, but it does matter that we treasure what time we do have.  Shakespeare said that parting was such sweet sorrow and I agree with him.  There is no sorrow like parting and nothing sweeter than knowing that our paths might cross again.